


Domesticated

by Lanesy



Series: Red Wood Divergence AU [2]
Category: Epithet Erased (Cartoon)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Asexual Character, Attempt at Humor, Attempted Kidnapping, F/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 10,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21974926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanesy/pseuds/Lanesy
Summary: Ramsey Murdoch's life is a nonstop aneurysm and he's becoming oddly okay with that.
Relationships: Percival King / Ramsey Murdoch
Series: Red Wood Divergence AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1581829
Comments: 105
Kudos: 367





	1. Proposal

Ramsey understood very well what just happened, he just can't process the why part of it.

The Gerbilman attempted to replace a very valuable stolen ring with a very convincing copy. After all there was a very handsome finder's fee on that little band. Unfortunately, he was caught before the jewelry pieces could be swapped because of his shaky left hand. A few mysterious cases of golden undergarments later, Ramsey was able to outrun his pursuers. Right as he was about to pocket the fake ring, Ramsey tripped and tumbled on the pavement right behind a very familiar police officer, Percy.

Somehow, fates be damned, Ramsey landed on one knee with the little velvet ring box popped open in his hand. He began to sweat as he realized what position he was in and attempted to stand up before Percy could spot him. His knee barely left the ground when Percy turned around and out of shock Ramsey immediately put it back on pavement.

“Well this is very sudden.” Percy blushed and briefly averted her eyes before facing Ramsey again. “Usually dating is customary before the proposal but I've known you for years." The police officer began to pace. "You have saved my life on multiple occasions, even losing your arm and helped defeat former Mundie terrorist group Bliss Ocean even though you are a Mundie and would have nothing to lose if those fiends had won. On the other hand, you are a convicted criminal even if I'm not exactly sure for what. Though you have served time and helped me capture many villains of justice.” A white gloved hand graced Percy's face as her eyes narrow. “But perhaps,” Percy's eyes glimmered underneath the light of the street lamps. “I personally could help you further reform your criminal habits by keeping a close eye on you at all times. Very well, I accept.”

It took every ounce of willpower from the sweaty Ratman to not turn into a gold statue at that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Basil for the art. I love it!


	2. No Clerk, No Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated T for a cursing Gerbilman.

Ramsey stays frozen on the sidewalk for several hours, trying to convince himself that he's having a bad dream from that week old Chinese food. That is until some stray dog mistakes his Hawaiian shirt for a fire hydrant.

 _'Nope. This is real. Why wouldn't it be real? I'm the Cosmos' favorite sex toy and the Universe sure loves fucking me.'_ The Ratman thinks to himself as he shoos the canine away. ' _Better get home and change.'_ Slowly, Ramsey gets up and begins to search for his keys and car. His left pocket is empty, as his right one and back ones too and he's pretty sure he didn't put them in his socks this morning. Did he lose them during the chase? The pockets are checked again and turned completely outwards, dropping some lint and spare change on the ground. ' _Guess I'm walking home tonight.'_

A few hours and wrong turns later, Ramsey is back at his apartment and grateful that he somehow found his door key. Maybe the universe is showing him some mercy for five whole minutes so it will be more surprising when the fates decide to yank the rug underneath his feet again, metaphorically. Hell, perhaps even literally considering where he's pacing right now.

Ideas are coming in and out so fast it feels like Ramsey's head has about seven different thoughts running at any given time. ' _Is this a set up? Nah, they wouldn't send Perce for that, she's a pretty bad actor. Unless they have someone on the force with a shape-shifting kind of Epithet. Aren't the Statutes of Limitations up on those forgeries? No wait, I have several months to go on that one. Should I call in a few favors and get some paperwork changed? Would that be too suspicious? Am I being paranoid? Am I paranoid? Maybe I should see if that sheep kid is still willing to give me a free appointment. No, not right now, you need to focus on the issue at hand. Should I just run out of town for a few months? Fake my death? Wait a second, she doesn't have my contact info and we didn't set up a time to meet anyway. Maybe I could just explain things next time I see her. I'm keeping it safe for a friend, yeah that should work. But what if she asks you who your friend is? Gotta make a backstory, he's from Denver, we met in high school-'_

The wild locomotive of thought is interrupted by a few knocks at the door. A glance through the peephole reveals it to be Percy. Ramsey freezes as the door creaks open. Of course he forgot to lock it.

“Good morning Ramsey.” Percy greats Ramsey with a smile comparable to sunshine. The Ratman's heart skips several beats. “I realized we did not set up a time to meet for signing the marriage documents, so I took the liberty of retrieving them from the county clerk and bringing them to you.”

Ramsey's pretty sure it's not legal to get a hold of these types of papers without both parties present but he doesn't want to give the cop in front of him an existential crisis, especially when that cop knows he is technically a criminal. Also, there goes the whole 'try to convince her out of it during the engagement' plan. Out of nervousness, he scratches the back of his neck with his left hand and begins to chuckle.

“Well you see, it's a funny story.” Ramsey opens and then takes a closer look at the license. She's already signed it in blue ink with sloppy cursive and Ramsey's thoughts run more wild than Zora. When he comes to a few seconds later, Ramsey finds that he has already signed his first name on the line. Apparently, a lack of sleep and a lot of stress makes the body go on autopilot. He figures he can't talk his way out of this now, so he's just going to have to make the most of it. A free hot bodyguard does sound kinda nice and it isn't like he finds Percy intolerable or anything.

“Hmm.” Percy tilts her head, she seems confused. “I think you misspelled your name Ramsey, no matter, I have a back up.” White gloves pull out another form from her periwinkle breast pocket.

“No, I didn't.” Ramsey looks up at her “I've decided to take your name. Ramsey King has a nice ring to it don't you think?” Of course it does, it sounds downright regal, majestic even and it gives him a slight chance to better hide from some of his old pursuers.

“Yes it does. I shall turn this to the clerk before I go on today's policing duties. I suggest you spend your day finding a moving company and relocating your items to my residence. Be sure to find one that properly sorts trash and recyclables. We must all do our part to protect the environment.” Percy's voice gets oddly serious near the end. “Here is my address and cell phone number if you need to contact me.” She grabs a nearby box of crayons and a scrap of paper then begins jotting down some numbers. “I expect to be home around 7, PM to clarify, and we're going to have pine cone salad for dinner. Good day, Mr. King.” The cop bows her head and leaves before Ramsey starts another panic attack.


	3. Moving Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Your Proofreader is evolving into an Editor.

Ramsey wakes up on the floor sometime after lunch. He recalls Percy suggesting to hire a moving company so he can move in with her. Personally, Ramsey doesn't think he has that much junk in his apartment; he could easily move everything himself in a few trips and save himself a few hundred dollars. Then it hits him, he left his car unattended on the other side of town. The ensuing stream of curses can be heard as far as the apartment parking lot where his car should be. Panicking, he begins calling every impounding company in the county trying to find his damn car. Unfortunately, luck does not believe in Ramsey. ' _Typical_.' He considers asking Percy for some help tonight over dinner then begins to wonder if an invitation to eat pine cone salad at an allotted time and location counts as a date. 

  
_'Yes. Yes it is.'_ Ramsey thinks to himself while dialing the number for the cheapest moving van rentals in town. ' _So we're married before we're dating. Weird, but not completely horrible.'_ The phone clicks as someone on the other side answers. “Hello, it says on your site you give discounts to Public Service People, does that extend to family members?” 

  
..............

  
A few hours later, Ramsey finally has moved all his belongings to his new home, a really nice new home that he wonders if Percy personally made. The current issue is, besides having lost his car, is that Ramsey does not have a house key and currently all of his things are scattered in the front yard and driveway. It looks like a weekend sale. Every ounce of Ramsey's greasy haired used car salesman charm, and twenty dollars, is needed to convince the movers that he can carry the furniture into the house by himself and totally has a house key. 

  
After they leave, Ramsey tries calling Percy a few times, but it goes straight to voice mail. Ramsey guesses she might have her phone off for work related reasons at the moment. He considers looking the porch for a spare house key, but he knows better than to go rummaging around a police officer's house in broad daylight, especially when your face can easily be described as rodent like. So Ramsey waits in the front yard all day, sitting in an office chair and shooing away grandmas who are trying to buy his mini-fridge for five dollars.

..............

  
At 7 pm, Ramsey's savior comes with the house key.

“I love you! :3” Ramsey instinctively hugs Percy as soon as she steps out of her car.

“I feel affectionate to you as well. You have saved my life many times over the years and have been my best friend for just as long.” Percy awkwardly pats Ramsey's pink hair as he questions again why she agreed to his accidental proposal.

_'Maybe Percy's the type who thinks her spouse is supposed to be her best friend'_. Ramsey wonders to himself. _'She is the kind of person who would take advice a bit too literally.'_


	4. The First Date

After some discussion, Percy and Ramsey decide to put Ramsey's furniture in the garage for now. Percy does most of the heavy lifting and Ramsey isn't surprised in the slightest. This is the cop that tossed both him and herself twenty feet a few years back. There's also the fact that Ramsey's arm isn't terribly strong, but he doesn't like to dwell on that so he tries to start a conversation.

“So, um, do you have any spare house keys?”

..........

When Ramsey finally steps into the house, the first thing he notices is how barren it is. All the usual furniture and appliances are there, oven, chairs, television and so on, but no decorations. Not a single photo or twenty dollar clearance canvas hang on the walls, not even a half sun dried mat, nor a decorative vase that some weird aunt tried to pawn off on any tables. The only thing that made the place not look like a model house was the soft blue painted walls instead of a more neutral white or beige and a fully stocked kitchen. Ramsey wonders if Percy hasn't had the time to decorate due to her busy schedule or lacks the inclination, both seem equally likely to him.

“Dinner is ready. I hope you're pining for pine cones.” Percy's call breaks Ramsey's observations. He makes his way over to the kitchen.

Percy is little if not a woman of her word, except a socially awkward omnivore, a cute blonde, and a horrible teller of puns. Thus, they have pine cone salad for dinner. Ramsey's glad he had the foresight to order Chinese earlier because dinner somehow tastes like yard work. The Ratman tries to shift his food around the plate like a little kid pretending he ate more than he actually did.

“Is something the matter? You're not eating anything.” There’s a concern in Percy’s voice Ramsey has rarely heard before. “Should I have made orange acorn salad instead?”

“I guess I don't have much of an appetite. Everything is going kinda fast. Getting engaged, married, and moving in with you, in what, twenty hours?” He laughs nervously and begins to scratch the back of his neck.

“Indeed, I should have given you a house key first.” Percy misses the mark. Briefly, Ramsey considers redirecting her to the actual point he was making but decides to let it go. Why face his problems when he can lock them away and hope that they never come out?

“And there's also the fact that I lost my car last night.” Ramsey nervously drums his fingers on the table. “I was wondering if you could help me out with that.”

“You left your car unattended for that long? So much for keeping you out of trouble.” Percy replies. Ramsey begins to sweat. “That was a joke. I can put out a notice after dinner.” Percy serves herself a second helping of salad and drenches it in an ominous purple dressing. Ramsey gulps and decides it might be a good point in his life to finally take up some cooking lessons. The rest of dinner is spent talking about various random topics and catching up in general. After they finish eating and cleaning up, Percy makes a few quick phone calls, assures Ramsey he'll get his car back soon and begins getting ready for bed. Ramsey has a moment of relief before realizing he's about to go up against the biggest obstacle of the day, sleeping arrangements.

 _'Am I supposed to sleep with her?'_ Ramsey asks himself as some naughty thoughts start to surface. Far too nervous to ask Percy outright, he settles on watching a bit of television and falling asleep on the couch by complete accident. He wakes up in the morning with a crick in his neck. ' _Not the worst place I’ve slept. Way better than my time in Chicago.'_ Ramsey thinks to himself as he wipes his eyes. Percy is setting the table for breakfast, a glass of water and a slice of wheat toast.

 _'So she does eat normal food.'_ Ramsey notes to himself as he removes his blanket and gets off the couch and shuffles to join her. ' _Wait, was there a blanket here last night? Oh well, chow time_.'


	5. A Better Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mandaree1's Recess fanfic inspired my to improve my dialogue and you guys should totally check it out (even if I am lowkey jealous).

Ramsey searches the house with his good eye before making his way to the kitchen. ' _Nobody's lined up at the doorstep and there ain't any sirens. So this probably isn't the fourth weirdest set up I've ever been in. I guess I can take it easy.'_

“So is it causal Friday at the police station or something?” Ramsey asks when he eyes Percy wearing a white blouse with a black bow and light blue trousers. “Cause I don't think that's quite casual or Friday.” He continues after biting into his wheat toast. It's so dry, so very dry.

“I'm not scheduled to work at the station today, so I'm going to apply for some contracting jobs. Is my attire inappropriate?” Percy reevaluates her attire.

“No, no, no. It's very nice Perce.” Ramsey reassures her. while trying to suppress a cough because toast needs butter or jam on it “Down right gorgeous and that ring's a nice touch too.” Ramsey is surprised that the thing fits so well. It's almost as if fate really exists. “Oh, and that blush you got on looks nice too.” He winks and Percy's face reddens.

“I need to get going.” Percy grabs her keys from the counter. “Goodbye.”

“That's it? That's all you eat in the morning is one slice of toast without any butter or jam on it?” The vexed Ratman slumps his shoulders slightly in disappointment.

“I have butter sometimes in my water.” Percy turns around and defends herself. Ramsey shivers at the thought. Time to double down on those cooking lessons.

“I've done some questionable things in my life but that is downright criminal how you're treating yourself and food.” Ramsey starts and Percy briefly cocks an eye. “No wonder why you always got so tired during fights, you need to eat more. I'm feeling eggs today. I'm going to make ya some eggs.” Ramsey places an arm on Percy's shoulder and leads her back to the table. “After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” He sings as he turns on the stove top and places a pan over the flame.

“I don't have the time.” Percy heads to her car, only to walk back in a minute later. She leans against the wall and crosses her arms. “Are you adding pick pocketing to your list of crimes, Ramsey?”

“Welcome back Perce! Might I say you look very cute when you're angry and totally not threatening to arrest me. You look a little hungry. Don't worry, I've egg-sidentally making some extra scrambled eggs.” Ramsey hopes that Percy appreciates the bad pun. Her face does not lighten.

“C'mon don't give me that look, you can get upset at me when you lose that contract.” Ramsey gulps. “Which you won't 'cause I'm going to join you today. So what do you like on your eggs, bell pepper, hot sauce, ketchup?”

“Some pepper is fine.” Sighing, Percy sits back down.

“Cool, that's how I like mine too.” Awkwardly cut green and red peppers are tossed into the pan and Ramsey hums something off tune, trying not to panic because he did technically steal keys from his cop wife. Why is he doing this again? “Breakfast is served.” Ramsey hands Percy her plate first before going back to the counter to get his. When Ramsey turns back around, he finds Percy crying.

“I have never thought to put pepper in eggs before! And they're so fluffy and a lovely golden color.” Percy continues to tear up as she eats the eggs.

“What can I say, I have a golden touch.” Ramsey smirks then freezes. ' _What did I just say? Did I just say that? How tired am I?'_ He internally panics.  


“You're cooking skills are quite commendable. Hurry up and eat.” Percy urges Ramsey.

“So when and where is this thing?” Ramsey asks as he pulls up a chair.

“8 am at Briar Drive.” Percy answers while dabbing a napkin on her lips. She's already finished eating.

“Why are you in such a rush? You have plenty of time.” Chunks of egg escape an exasperated Ramsey's mouth.

“If you're not fifteen minutes early, you're fifteen minutes late. So please hurry and make yourself presentable if you truly plan on assisting me today. I egg-spect you to be ready in ten minutes.” Percy jokes as she starts cleaning the egg pan.

“Not everyone does Military Time Perce.” Ramsey mumbles into his eggs.


	6. Implied Childhood Trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your lovely comments! I look forward to reading them whenever I see the number go up!

“Wow.” Percy remarks as she buckles herself and checks the mirrors in the car. “I cannot believe I won the bid despite not making the lowest offer. Thank you Ramsey.”

“What did I tell ya?” Ramsey replies while he struggles with his seat belt. “You're not going to lose any more bids as long as ya keep me around.” The belt finally clicks in and Percy finally starts the car. 

“Though it makes me all the more curious why you turned to a life a crime when you have such good negotiation skills. Or did you perhaps learn them because of your misdoings?”

“It's not that impressive, just some basic intro level marketing stuff. You just gotta know how to sell benefits not features. 'It'll support a small local business and the boys in blue.' It's great for PR.” Ramsey tries to downplay the situation. Though to be fair, Percy just listing a price isn't much of a pitch. 

“Oh, so you learned it in college?” Percy turns left.

It takes a few seconds for Ramsey to register the question. He almost forgot how nice it is to not drive a car and view the scenery passing by. “Oh yes.” He clears his throat. “I got a Masters in Fine Arts.”

“Then was marketing one of your electives?” Percy asks.

“Just some stuff I picked up from my old bastard.” Without thinking, Ramsey mumbles under his breath. ' _Shit.'_ He internally curses. “I mean, my dad was a business man and I picked up a few things from him. We fell apart when I was younger, so I don't really like talking about it.” _'Good save Ramsey! No need for Percy to go digging into your tragic backstory and discovering any of your crimes.'_ Ramsey mentally congratulates himself.

“I see. I guess that is something we have in common.” Like a model driver, Percy continually keeps her eyes on the road while speaking. “I was ostracized by my family when I was younger. I was the only member with an epithet and I did not have much control over it during my youth. Where we lived at the time did not provide much support for my towers, so they would often break our various belongings. I'd often go to bed without dinner so I learned to eat less than traditional foodstuffs.”

 _'Okay, so that explains her diet. Wait, did we just swerve away from my sucky childhood into hers?_ ' Wonders Ramsey. He considers reaching his hand out to hold Percy's but figures she might get upset if he were to obstruct her driving. “So, what do you want to do celebrate winning that bid?” Ramsey tries to bring back the original conversation topic. “See a movie? Go out for dinner? Success Sex, or as I like to call it Succ-sex? Or maybe-” The car suddenly brakes and Ramsey's seat belt digs into his skin as momentum tries to yank him forward. “Hey, what gives Perce?”

“I'm sorry.” Percy blinks as if she just reentered consciousness. “Are you unharmed?”

“I'm fine.” He groans as he struggles to make his belt slack again. “Just find a place to park and I'll drive us back while you think about how you want to celebrate.”

“A movie.” Percy simply states as she pulls into a nearby lot and stops the car. “But tomorrow evening, I have plenty of paperwork to go through tonight.”

“Sounds good.” Ramsey hums as he slides into the driver's seat and begins to drive them home.

"You need to properly check the mirrors!" The off duty cop sounds mildly horrified.

"Good to know you're still with us Perce." The Ratman shines a gold toothed smile.


	7. Perps and Pasta

When Ramsey walks into the house, the sight of empty walls has a lot more weight to it. For him, it was his choice to leave his father and he has never regretted that decision, but Percy probably didn't have that choice. Ramsey wonders if Percy's old home life is why she looks down on Mundies, like how he hates corporate big shots. Maybe he should talk to her about it sometime. Probably best to pick a time when the statute of limitations are up just in case she asks too many questions. Percy is still a detective after all.

After a peanut butter sandwich and moving the rest of Ramsey's belongings into the house, Percy spends most of evening silently filling out paperwork while Ramsey tries to make food appropriate for human consumption for dinner. Percy's kitchen is largely filled with exotic ingredients, to put it nicely, some of the blandest foods imaginable and a box of screws in the cupboard for some reason. Ramsey decides he's going to do all the grocery shopping from now on. After much searching, the Ratman finds several near empty pasta boxes, some tomato paste and oregano. Since there isn't enough of any individual kind of noodle to make a bowl's worth of pasta, he settles on tossing all the remnants of the various shapes into the boiling water as he follows a basic tomato sauce recipe he pulled up on his phone.

It's around six when dinner is served. The noodles are a textural nightmare and the tomato sauce is burnt but Percy doesn't seem to mind, she just covers the table with paperwork and has her eyes buried in text. At least, unlike pine cone salad, this meal has some nutritional integrity and doesn't give Ramsey flashbacks of old summer jobs. But that hardly seems like a consolation when Percy doesn't talk to him at all outside of a quick thanks. She doesn’t even bother looking at him.

_'Something must really be eating at her.'_

Ramsey cleans up after dinner by himself since Percy is still looking over files. After the last dish is cleaned and a glass of water procured, he decides to take a peak over Percy's shoulder and spots lovely words such as 'forgery' and 'embezzlement'. Ramsey shivers until he reads further. It's a case from last month, so he should be in the clear.

“Ramsey, please stop hovering over my shoulder. These files are supposed to be private.” Percy speaks for the first time in about an hour.

“You're not doing a very good job hiding them considering you scattered them all over the table.” Ramsey steps to the side so he can make eye contact. “Personally, I think you're lucky that you didn't get any sauce on the papers. That would have been horribly unprofessional. Oops.” Ramsey spills water over the table. “Let me just dry those off for ya.”

“Ramsey.” Percy crosses her arms.

“Look, I'm just trying to be a good citizen and atone for the damages I've done by drying your papers and if I happen to notice anything suspicious, I'll do my duty to properly inform it to the nearest police officer.” Ramsey holds his hand to his chest in mock modesty. “So you do want any help with your homework or not?” Resigning herself, Percy sighs.

 _'Yep, I'm not attached to this.'_ Ramsey thinks to himself as he scans the drying papers. ' _And it looks like it might be fun to solve.'_

...........................

“So you suspect Mr. Sundew of sleeping with the secretary and embezzling funds to pay for her silence, in addition to artificially lowering stock prices so he can buy back massive amounts of stocks? Interesting.” In deep thought, Percy rubs her chin.

“Yup :3. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.” Ramsey says as he hands Percy the dry papers.

“Thank you Ramsey, your consultation skills are exceptional and I often wonder why you ended up on the wrong side of the law. But if you overlook me reading private polices files in the future, I will have to report you.” The cop warns.

“So I don't get a break for being your hubby :3?” The white and gold eyes of the Ratman sparkle.

“No.” Percy states. “But maybe if you were a professional consultant. I need to head to bed now, I have an early shift tomorrow morning. Good night Ramsey.” She gathers up the papers and yawns.

Ramsey turns off the lights and heads to the couch. A soft blue light coats the room as he searches for cooking classes. ' _A cooking class for couples? Could be fun. Gotta check Percy's schedule first though.'_ He thinks to himself as he falls asleep.


	8. Falling Asleep During the Best Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I polished this up a bit.  
> This comment might be funny in a couple of months.

It's around 10 am when Ramsey wakes up. The bland house feels especially empty with out another person in it; but Ramsey's going to fix that. After breakfast. He's going to fix that after breakfast because his stomach demands a food sacrifice. _'Probably shouldn't be watching so many recipe videos before bed.'_ Three eggs, half a green pepper and two slices of buttered toast later, brunch is served. ' _Should've remembered I'm only serving one today._ '

After cleaning the dishes, Ramsey digs out his art supplies. “Let's see, yellow and white would compliment the blue walls. Maybe some dark blue to help it pop.” He mumbles to himself to break the silence. “Probably want to keep it on the simpler side, so it would be easier to match with new decorations if we ever get some. Yeah, that could work.” Ramsey smiles. He paints his first original piece in years. It's sloppy since the brush is foreign to his hand but it just helps make the piece more abstract. As Ramsey finishes the first painting and is about to replace it with a fresh canvas, he accidentally knocks the paint water off the easel. Ramsey ducks and tries to grab the falling cup. He misses. He doesn't even touch it but the cup and it contents turn to gold before it reaches the floor. A sickening thud briefly echoes in the room.

 _'Shit, it's still instinctual. Gotta be careful or Mrs. Periwinkle is going to connect some dots.'_ Ramsey thinks to himself as picks up the golden cup and slowly morphs it back to normal.

He continues to paint three more canvases and looks for nails as they dry. _'I wonder if Percy would keep them in the pantry or the garage. Wait a second. You're an idiot Ramsey. You can't nail things to the wall, plus Percy might get upset and report you for property damage. Shit, the floor! I hope the cup didn't leave a scratch.'_

When Ramsey gets on the floor to check for scuff marks, Percy opens the door. “Hello Ramsey.” She greets as she spots the paintings leaning against the walls. They all look drastically different from each other aside from the color pallets so Percy figures they are not attempts at forgery and that perhaps Ramsey is trying to make an honest living with his art skills. “While I do not know much about art, I find your paintings lovely. I bet they'll fetch a good price.” Percy tries to be encouraging, but her husband deflates a little.

“I'm glad you like 'em.” Ramsey stands up and dusts himself. “Because they're a gift for you. I figured this place could use a bit more.. personality.”

“Oh. Thank you.” Percy shows a slight smile.

................................

Since actual human food is quickly dwindling, Ramsey suggests delivery for dinner.

“I'm feeling some egg rolls tonight. What do you want to order?” Ramsey asks as he pulls up an online menu to a nearby Chinese place.

“Anything vegan will be fine.” Percy replies.

“I think you mean vegetarian. You eat eggs and butter, those are animal products. That makes you a vegetarian.” Ramsey corrects. _'So that's why there's no meat in the house.'_

“Ah, I suppose you are correct.” Percy does a little bounce and Ramsey's not sure what to make out it.

................................

It turns out Percy's lack of taste applies to food as well as movies. Mostly. She claims to be fine with any suggestion Ramsey makes until he thumbs through the Crime section of the movie library.

“So you've never seen Shawshank or the Godfather? Those are classics. Unbelievable. ” The Ratman throws his arms up in the air.

“I do not take pleasure in movies that romanticize illegal activities. Please pick out a movie soon, I have work in the morning.” Percy states. Ramsey expects her to make a comment about him relating to the characters in those movies. It never comes.

“Let's see here.” Ramsey clicks the remote and searches through the movie library. “How about a RomCom? I heard this one is good.”

“Very well.” Percy speaks a little quieter than normal.

................................

Ramsey notices Percy averts her eyes when ever there's a kissing scene. At first, it's kind of cute. He thinks Percy looks lovely with a little pink on her cheeks. By the fifth time, Ramsey becomes worried. The twelfth time, Ramsey has a false revelation. _'Oh shit, is Percy prudish? Did I proposition to a prude? No wonder why she was out of it yesterday. That's it. I'm not only a horrible person, but a horrible husband as well.'_

The credits finally roll. “Look Percy, I'm sorry about what I said in the car yesterday, I didn't realize-” Ramsey turns to face Percy to find her asleep. He tries to gently shake her awake. When that fails, he tries harder and harder until he gives up two minutes later. “Of course you're a heavy sleeper. I guess I can apologize tomorrow. Lets get you into your bed.” Ramsey tries to lift her up, but she's heavier than expected. “Is that all muscle or all the screws you eat?”

After several minutes of struggle, Ramsey is somehow able to carry Percy into her bedroom and place her on the mattress. It's the first time he's been in Percy's room and it feels weird. The place is as barren as the rest of the house and it makes him feel like a sinner entering holy lands by just walking in there, even if he isn't planning on doing anything immoral. As Ramsey is about to walk away and leave Percy alone in her slumber, he is held back by a death grip on his hand. He tries wiggling his noodle wrist out of Percy's grasp but he is still tired from carrying her. With a sigh, Ramsey decides he's going to sleep on the floor tonight. _'Can't be worse than the couch. At least it's carpeted and I'm in the company of a lovely woman.'_

................................

Percy accidentally steps on Ramsey when she gets out of bed the following morning.


	9. It's a Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter, but then again I wasn't planning on writing today.

“Why are you on the floor?” Her voice is slightly groggy from waking up.

“You accidentally fell asleep on the couch last night.” Ramsey tries not to scream in pain. “I tried to tuck you in bed but you would not let go of my hand and I figured that you might freak out if you saw my face first thing in the mornin' so I just kinda slept on the floor. I'm surprised that Zora disarmed ya considering the grip strength you have.” He dryly chuckles.

“I apologize. It must have been very uncomfortable sleeping on the floor.” Percy finally steps off Ramsey and extends her hand towards Ramsey.

“So you're apologizing for that but not for stepping on me?” Ramsey barks in a nonthreatening way, like a chihuahua, but quickly calms down as Percy helps him off of the carpet. 

“Oh.” Percy blinks. “I am sorry for that as well. Let me check for any injuries.” She leans over to untuck Ramsey's shirt and grabs the waistline of his shorts.

 _'Is she messing with me?'_ Startled, Ramsey jumps back a few inches. “I'll live. Honestly, it's still better than waking up on that couch.” Various cracks echo in the bedroom as Ramsey stretches his neck and back. “Look, I've been meaning to apologize too. I realize that I might have done and said some things that have made you uncomfortable. So might I suggest a trade, you forgive me and I'll forgive you. I'll try to take things at your pace and you won't step on me. Sound fair?” 

Percy extends her right hand to Ramsey again and spits on it. The Ratman stands silent in confusion before shaking her hand, since she has her right hand out, Ramsey ends up grabbing the back of her palm. Now Percy is confused.

“Why did you not spit on my glove?” The blonde asks. “I thought we were making an arrangement.” 

“People usually just shake hands, Perce.” Wrinkles form in Ramsey's forehead as he sighs. “How does French toast sound today?”

“I imagine toasters in France sound the same as ours.” Percy says with a straight face as Ramsey feels the years chipping away from his lifespan. “That was a joke. It sounds fine.”

“Remind me to never play poker with you.” Ramsey remarks as he walks out of the bedroom.


	10. Cars, Coffee Creamer and a Kid

Clattering reverberates through the house as Ramsey tries to find anything resembling the last two ingredients for French toast, milk and sugar. Unable to find either, Ramsey resorts to using artificial sweetener and coffee creamer for the mixture. He prays that it works.

“Percy's taking a while to change this morning. Hope she's not putting on a brave face about us sharing a room or getting some divorce papers.” Mumbles Ramsey as he flips the bread. It sticks to the metal. “Shit.” He curses when he almost knocks the pan off of the stove top.

The bedroom door creaks open. “I have just received a call from the police station,” Percy announces. The Ratman jolts. Weighing his escape options, his eyes dash to the garage door and the kitchen window. “Your car has been retrieved.” Ramsey's entire being turns to butter. “Would you like to pick it up at the impound lot after breakfast?”

“Sure.” Ramsey turns around to face Percy and smiles. Maybe it's going to be an okay day and maybe there isn't smoke rising from pan behind him.

.....................

After avoiding a potential house fire and eating breakfast, Percy and Ramsey drive to the impound lot. The police radio clicks as a sultry voice begins to speak. “Percy, we're going to need you head over to Victor Caan's after you clock in. We've been getting reports suspicious individuals in the area.”

“I have business to do there this morning. I can look into matters when I arrive.” Percy replies 

As soon as Percy's finger leaves the radio button, Ramsey squawks. “Go to the station, clock in and get paid to do your damn job!”

“It is not about the paycheck but rather justice.” Answers Percy in her normal monotone.

“And where's the justice of them screwing you out of rightfully earned pay.” Rebukes Ramsey. “You're allowed to look out for yourself.”

“Perhaps you found meaning in the monetary and that is why you resorted to crimes in the past.” Ramsey freezes. There is a brief pause before Percy continues. “But I am driven by purpose and hope that you will find one someday as well. It appears we are at the lot. I will drop you off on the sidewalk.” She stops the car in front of the impound. Ramsey finds the strength to move again and leaves the car. The car window rolls down and Percy wishes Ramsey good bye. 

“Catch ya tonight.” Ramsey shouts as his wife drives off to find a parking spot. He rests his hand in his pant pockets and walks inside. Not a single person is in the front room aside from Ramsey. _'Nice, no line.'_

The identification process goes over quickly, albeit not painlessly because of towing fees, but within minutes Ramsey has his car keys. Apparently, he locked the keys in his car and that's why he couldn't find that night. He leaves the building without running into Percy.

With his newly recovered keys in hand, Ramsey heads to the lot to search for his car. Considering how beat up the thing is, it shouldn't be hard to spot. Something other than his car catches his eye. Some men near the fence are closing in on a young girl like lions.

_'Yup, this looks like a kidnapping attempt out of a B movie, or that one movie with all the snapping greasers. Better be smart about this.'_ Ramsey takes out his phone and texts Percy. He prays she isn't ignoring messages right now.

Time passes slowly and Ramsey tenses, he wonders if Zora might be teasing him or something, as he watches the young girl remain ignorant of the three men who are following her. Something forms and swells inside Ramsey as he walks to the girl.

Maybe he can save her.

Maybe this is a second chance.

Maybe this is his purpose.


	11. What's that Epithet?

The men slowly encroaching on the lilac haired girl look more organized and powerful than the average street punks. Judging by the bulges in their clothes, they are armed with melee weapons, much more dangerous and quiet than guns. A little voice in Ramsey's head whispers that this kidnapping was planned. His suspicions are further justified when he gets a better look at her clothes, aside from her odd choice of a powder blue rain poncho when they're isn't a single cloud in the sky, she looks very well dressed. Nice shoes, expensive pleated skirt; this girl definitely comes from money. They're probably trying to get a ransom.

 _'If the kid's Inscribed, they're probably prepared for that so I can't count on her to fight. Then that puts it three to one, plus I can't use my epithet in public unless I want to share a jail cell with these asses.'_ The Ratman thinks to himself as he walks between the girl and the kidnappers. So Ramsey falls back on his first line of defense, talking. He has a golden tongue after all. With some luck, he can distract the men long enough for Percy to swing by and arrest them or at least spook them away. 

Ramsey knows better than to call the punks out and escalate the situation, so he talks to the girl. “Hey kid, you look lost. Need help finding something?” Ramsey angles himself so that the men are within the corner of his good eye and squats down to get closer to her eye level. They're a lovely blue but they look glazed over. 

“I'm... Looking.... for my.... brother.... no...... sis-ter?” The young girl speaks almost as if she just suffered a concussion. Briefly Ramsey wonders if the punks had anything to do with this, until he notices one of them escape his line of sight, the stout, tan one with green hair and a bat. Shortly afterwards, the one with a long tongue leaves too. As a precaution, Ramsey turns his bones to gold, it's not going to protect him as well as being solid metal, but it should help prevent fractures.

“Hey, sis. Let's go home.” The boy covered in scars walks up to the girl. His acting is so bad that Ramsey has to force himself not to roll his eyes. Scared, the girl backs up to the fence. A loose wire cuts through her plastic poncho and scratches her arm. Blood quickly drips on the sidewalk.

“That looks like a bad cut kid. Want me to walk you across the street and see if we can get some bandages?” Ramsey asks. _'Gotta keep us in public, more witnesses means less chance of fighting.'_ He doesn't move to prevent the child from getting more terrified. “Or maybe we should call an ambulance? Those wires look rusty. Wanna make sure ya don't get sick.”

“It's fine.” The wannabe Clint Eastwood places a hand on Ramsey's shoulder. “Me and my friends can just drive her to the doctors.”

 _'Not giving up, huh? They must really want this kid.'_ Ramsey clicks his tongue and removes the hand on his shoulder. As he turns around, his face is greeted with a baseball bat. It hurts like hell as Ramsey falls to the ground, but he's still conscious. Ramsey is temporarily promoted to Possum Man as he pretends to be passed out, waiting for an opening for a surprise attack.

“Stop!” Percy yells from across the street, her panic apparent. Concrete breaks and lightning crackles as Wizard Towers rise from the ground.

 _'Like that ever works.'_ Sarcastically Ramsey internally comments to himself. _'Oh wait, I could use this as a distraction.'_ He jumps on his feet and punches Scars on the side of his temple. Both Ramsey's and the assailant's skin are squeezed between metal and bone as the fist lands. _'Yeah, this hurts as much as I thought.'_ He winces. _  
_

“Damn Periwinkle.” Snake grabs the kid and bolts.

Lightning dashes across the street and hits Green. Percy can't risk hitting the kid so she directs the towers' strikes to Scars and Green as she runs across the street to catch Snake. Unfortunately, her stamina isn't high enough to outpace the slippery fiend. Suddenly, Snake's steps slow as his clothes grow heavier. The cop cuts him off at the corner.

“Stand down.” She commands as she cocks her sword, but suddenly her hand feels weak. Her saber falls to the ground as Snake suddenly lets go of the girl, only to grab her again and swipe Percy's sword as he runs past. Memories of Redwood Run flash in Percy's mind.

“You okay Perce? Snap out of it.” Ramsey shouts as he races to find Snake, leaving behind the now unconscious Green and Scars. Percy blinks and rejoins the present. Luckily, Snake is slowed down so heavily by his new gold lined clothes that even Percy is able to catch up with him under a minute. Then the most chaotic chain of events since his accidental marriage unfold in front of Ramsey.

Plastic capsules fall out of the girl's pockets. Various items such as weapons and magical like effects occur as the capsules hit the ground and open. Everyone scrambles to grab the arms, either to use for themselves or to keep away from someone else only to lose them to butterfingers a few moments later. Everyone constantly trips over their shoelaces and at one point everyone somehow forgot where they were and what they were even doing.

Sometime during the confusion, the girl is able to break free and run behind Ramsey. No longer worried about accidentally hitting the girl, Ramsey clocks the kidnapper and Percy's lightning strikes soon after. It's followed by another punch and lightning strike and another and another until Snake is laid out on the concrete. Ramsey is surprised how well they still remember each other’s timing in a fight. He smiles at Percy but quickly redirects his attention to the girl as his blood starts to dry up and his wounds slowly heal. It feels particularly tingly this time but Ramsey assumes it's because he's standing next to a Wizard Tower.

The girl runs up to Ramsey and hugs his waist. She's crying into his shirt and won't let go. Ramsey pets her head and reaffirms that everything is fine until the crying turns into sniffles. Percy sheathes her sword and gives Ramsey an oddly coy smile before cuffing Snake and walking over to the other men. Ramsey quickly reverts the gold back into fabric without Percy catching on.

“What's that look for?” Ramsey asks as he tries and fails to remove the child from him.

“I almost forgot how good you are with children. I find it cute.” Percy answers as Ramsey's cheeks start to match his hair. “Miss, would you come to me with the police station after I apprehend these criminals so we can find your family?” The girl's hands cling tighter to Ramsey's shirt.

“She seems attached to you Ramsey in both a literal and metaphorical manner.” A cotton gloved hand raises to Percy's face as she mentally drafts a new plan of action. “Could you take her to the police station in my stead?”

“Sure.” Ramsey's voice is strained. He smiles and closes his eyes to hide his panic from Percy. _'Freedom, it was nice while it lasted.'_ The Ratman quietly laments.

“Excellent!” Percy's smile grows brighter and she does a cute little bounce on the balls of her feet.

_'Okay, that is almost worth walking into a police station as a wanted criminal... Wait, what? Are you crazy?'_


	12. Second Breakfast

After saying goodbye to Percy, Ramsey escorts the child to his car. It's a slightly beat up number that's about thirty years old, but at least the interior is nice. The young girl instinctively heads for the front passenger seat. Worried what Percy might think if she sees a kid sitting in the front, Ramsey escorts her to the backseat and makes sure the purple haired child buckles herself in. 

The drive is quiet and Ramsey prays that the universe has fulfilled its daily chaos quota as they drive to the police station. Then the girl's stomach rumbles. Ramsey wonders if she's eaten recently and pulls up to a fast food joint. _'Eh, at least it's an excuse to get some coffee. Waking up at 5:45 has been killing me.'_

Since Ramsey is the type who cannot stand crumbs in his car, they go inside to order and eat. “I'll take a coffee and some pancakes and orange juice for the kid.” 

“That will be seven eighty five.”

Ramsey mumbles about the overpriced food as he digs out a ten from his wallet.

.........................

Ramsey has long since finished his coffee and the caffeine is slowly fading. He is getting impatient as every third bite of pancake falls off the girl's plastic fork. _'Is her epithet clumsy or something?'_. The lack of a tingle down his spine tells him no. _'Figures, that wouldn't explain capsules anyway. Maybe she's got one of those random epithets.'_ His musings are interrupted when he hears the girl sniffle. She spilled syrup on herself. Ramsey takes her to the restroom then washes her clothes and checks her scratch. Luckily, it was healed after the fight. The world can be fickle about these things sometimes.

As they leave the restaurant, it occurs to Ramsey that he looks nothing like the girl and that if anyone was paying attention, the whole situation would seem suspicious. Thankfully no one is. They continue their drive.

.........................

Finally, the two arrive and park at the police station, only for another noise to arise.

“What's that noise...” Ramsey turns around and looks at the back seat. There is a tiny gray rain cloud hovering above the girl and drenching his back seat. He laments over the lost leather. “Why is it raining in my car? You got some weather based epithet, kid? That would explain the coat.”

“Drops.” She says after a few moments of pause. Her voice is unsure but the spark running though Ramsey's body tells him it's correct.

 _'That's a word with a lot of applications; she could be very powerful one day. If she shares her word with anyone, no wonder why she was targeted.'_ Ramsey pinches his nose and sighs. “You shouldn't go around and tell people your epithet like that.” He warns. “Especially a stranger.”

“You... sav-ed me.” The girl argues.

“I don't even know your name, so we're strangers.” Ramsey tries to keep his explanation simple as he turns off his car and steps out.

“Rosema... mar... ry. Urb-ina.” She struggles to say as Ramsey opens the car door for her. Small blue eyes try to focus on Ramsey, it looks like she's expecting something. The name sounds familiar, but Ramsey can't place it.

“Nice to meet ya Rosemary, my name is Ramsey M-King.” He bows his head and presents his hand to Rosemary. “Let's go inside and find your parents. I bet they're pretty worried about you.” Her pale hand grabs Ramsey's as they head into the station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one guessed her epithet anyway. :(


	13. Minor Interrogation

The first thing Ramsey sees when he walks in is a woman by the front desk handcuffed to the office chair. Her desk plaque reads 'Meryl' and she looks like a high school kid's sexy disheveled librarian fantasy except for the addition of a facial scar and eye gauze. The Ratman immediately feels a sense of kinship. A sea of office phones surround her and the woman's voice is drowned out by various beeps and rings. 

“Just a second.” The woman's voice strains as she puts several phones on hold. “Is she concussed?” The woman rushes to Rosemary, dragging the office chair behind her and brandishing a heavily damaged first aid kit.

“Eh, I don't think so. She didn't get hurt during the fight. I think it might be side effect of her epithet.” Ramsey falls back on his nervous tick of scratching his neck as Meryl examines the girl and gauze starts flying around the entrance.

“A fight?!?” Meryl grabs her hair out of panic. “Why would a young girl be in a fight?”

“Some punks were trying to kidnap her. Percy probably already dropped 'em off here.” The lady hardly seems to notice Ramsey, let alone recognize him. So he slumps his hand in his pocket out of relief. Turns out he's in the petting zoo, not the lion's den. _'Makes sense. If the only decent cop in town can't pin me to a crime, then no one can.'_

“Kidnap her?” Orange hair becomes further disheveled. Rosemary looks overwhelmed but calms down after Meryl deems her unharmed. “Do you think it was random or planned? And what is your relation to the girl? You don't look like her father.”

 _'Looks like someone here does pay attention.'_ Ramsey stifles off a gulp. ”I-” Begins Ramsey, only to interrupted by a firm hand placed on his bony shoulder. It suddenly feels a bit colder. Ramsey looks down to find his shirt buttons slowly undoing themselves. “What the fu-dge.” At the last second, the Ratman censors himself. No need to drop the f-bomb in front of a kid.

“You must be Ramsey.” The pink haired man deduces. “Percy's told me about you.”

 _'That's it. I'm an idiot. I'm going to get arrested. I should have made an excuse not to come here.'_ Ramsey mentally kicks himself as he turns bone white. He raises his hand and waits to get cuffed.

“Percy said you'd be coming by the station soon to drop off the girl and something about you being good with kids.” Continues the pink haired man. Relieved, Ramsey starts buttoning up his shirt.

“Yeah. Kids love my ugly rat face. :3” Ramsey smiles as he points to his chin.

“Oh. I'm Eros by the way.” The man extends his hand for a shake. Reluctantly, Ramsey accepts. This time the buttons fall off of his shirt. Meryl apologizes as she picks up the buttons off the floor. She immediately takes Ramsey's shirt begins sowing the buttons back on with suture thread. Rosemary starts to laugh.

“Hey!” Swats Ramsey, trying to not use any adult language as he attempts to reclaim his shirt. He falls over and plants his face against the floor. It is at that moment Percy walks in.

“You took longer than I expected. Is everything alright?” Percy asks.

“Just peachy.” Her husband mumbles into the tile.

......................

They are brought back further into the station to more properly question Rosemary. Ramsey tunes out the conversation in favor of guessing Meryl and Ero's epithets until Rosemary's epithet is brought up. She's about to answer but Ramsey cuts her off.

“She's a young kid. Probably doesn't even know what it is especially since the world keeps throwing out more obscure words.” The lie flows out so naturally. It's a bit easier when his head isn't at stake. Besides, Ramsey figures there's no need to mention the kid's epithet and have it placed on a record that less than savory people might have a chance to look at.

No one questions his conclusion, so Ramsey slumps against the wall and retreats back into his thoughts. _'Meryl's pretty strong, so she might have a strength based epithet or just be a Mundie. Eros on the other hand is definitely Inscribed. Something about undressing.'_ Ramsey muses. _'Let's see, naked, clothes, nude.'_ The tingle returns and Ramsey notes it isn't as strong as the one after the fight.

Rosemary strains herself trying to remember the contact information of her family or if she's seen the kidnappers before.

Suddenly, the entrance door slams open as a tan teenager with long light green hair and pale skinned, purple haired woman that looks like she woke up in the wrong decade walk inside. They're arguing about a car or something. It's the purple haired one that points out Rosemary, but the green haired teen that rushes towards her. Something within Ramsey's brain nags him as he finds himself recalling an earlier conversation with Rosemary, and staring at the teen, the green hair, outfit choice, nail polish, vocal tone and oh.

“Are you Ms. Urbina?” Ramsey asks, not entirely aware of how he came to that conclusion considering the two look nothing alike aside from their violet eyes. Ramsey feels a little tired all of the sudden and guesses the caffeine has finally left his system but as the green haired woman approaches, he feels more alert. Rosemary apparently feels the same as well. The glaze over her eyes melts away.

“Garden!” Rosemary runs up to hug her sister. Her speak is perfectly clear. “Chance!” Rosemary turns her head to greet the purple haired woman. Everyone within earshot immediately shivers. Noticing everyone in the precinct just figured out her epithet, Chance mumbles profanities under her breath.

“How did you figure they were sisters? Rosemary looks more similar to the woman who is apparently named after her epithet.” Percy leans in and whispers to Ramsey. 

“Urbina is a Spanish surname, figured she might be adopted.” Ramsey flashes a smug grin.

“And what do you make of Rosemary's sudden change in demeanor?” Asks Percy. It warms up Ramsey a little inside that she values his opinion this much.

“Garden's probably Inscribed and it's canceling whatever's causing Rosemary's poor memory and lack of focus.” He answers.

“I see.” Percy nods her head and walks to the group of girls. Garden's eyes narrow unto Ramsey and give him a knowing glare before adverting their attention to the approaching blonde cop.

Ramsey sticks around at the station until Garden confirms her and Rosemary's identities and Chance drives them off.

“See ya Re-ose!” He waves goodbye before heading off himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Links to the new OC's:  
> (Older) Rosemary: https://themlim.tumblr.com/post/190336430738/look-ma-its-an-oc  
> (Older) Chance: https://themlim.tumblr.com/post/190794680298/forgive-the-ms-paint-quality-by-some-coincidence  
> (Older) Garden: https://themlim.tumblr.com/post/190862351358/garden-urbina-stamina-56-proficiency-41more


	14. A Drive with the Side Characters

“Are you sure you want to do this Rose?” Garden asks during the drive. “He is a wanted criminal.”

“Since when do you pass up the ch-opportunity to spite your parents?” Chance raises an eyebrow and hums at Garden.

The green haired girl doesn't offer a rebuttal. “Go ahead.” Garden gives her approval and Rosemary immediately slumps from exhaustion.

“I didn't mean follow through with it!” A exasperated Chance yells as her grip tightens around the wheel. “Anyway,” She immediately calms down. “You can stay at my place for a few days until things pass over.”

“Is Gabe going to be there?” Chance bites her lip in lieu of a response. Garden rolls her eyes. “In that case, no.”

The car goes quiet expect for some talk show blurbs about epithets being linked to reincarnation or whatever gossip is popular this week. Chance tries to listen to chatter instead of focusing on her sinking stomach and being unable to help her friends. It doesn't work so she prays for miracle despite spending all of her luck for the next few months.


	15. Changes

As much as Ramsey doesn't want to admit it to himself, things just feel awkward on his drive back to Percy's place. Ramsey tries his damnedest to convince himself he's not lonely and it's just the jitters from going into the Police Station. He turns up the radio to distract himself from the little voice screaming otherwise. There's a warning on the sound waves, a string of break-ins in his old apartment complex. Maybe that's the golden nugget the fates have decided to bestow upon Ramsey for all of these troubles, he gets to keep all his shit.

Huzzah.

When Ramsey arrives back at the house, he immediately heads for the bathroom. Caffeine moves fast after all. Walking past the mirror, Ramsey spots a few light strands of hair in his pink mop. 

_'This week has been getting to me more than I thought.'_ Ramsey leans closer to examine the strands. They're gold. Not entirely sure what to make of his Rumpelstiltskin's hair, Ramsey brushes it off as him being clumsy with his epithet and reminds himself to be careful. Several attempts are made to degold his hair but each one fails. _'I thought incompetence wouldn't hit me until my fifties.'_ A short humorless laugh leaves Ramsey's lips as he plucks the odd hairs.

The little voice still screams that Ramsey is wrong.

.................................

After trying to scavenge the kitchen for lunch food and finding a bag of catnip, Ramsey decides it's probably a good time to go to the grocery store. A peanut butter sandwich on two different types of loaves later, Ramsey heads out.

It's a little after noon and the grocery store is empty save a couple grandparents, their grandchildren and some attractive single mothers. Technically, he's a married man and even a playful flirt could be scandalous. Though the reality of his status has a hard time cementing itself as Ramsey finds himself staring upon his bare fingers.

Ramsey tries not dwell on his lack of a wedding ring, the sterile open spaces and the few families around him. If he did, he might have to admit that he is lonely. Ramsey's not entirely sure why this kind of sadness is blooming and twisting in his stomach recently came to be. He's been fine living most of his life by himself, he hasn't cared much for family in years and has long since accepted that his friends are going to stab him in the back one day.

Why is now any different? 

Ramsey breaks out of his internal inquiries when he realizes his hand is reaching for a fifth box of over sugared and overpriced cereal. Then his mind wonders elsewhere as he looks at the filled cart.

_'Am I a house husband?'_ He debates with himself through the checkout line until dinner preparations. _'Yes. Yes I am.'_

The front door clicks open and Ramsey perks up a little.

“Welcome back! I hope you like veggie lasagna.” The Ratman doesn't realize the slight grin on his face. “Cause I didn't make anything else tonight and you are not eating those leftover screws.”


	16. A Hair Earlier

A fearsome but lanky figure rummages through an apartment and shoots the walls since her prey is nowhere in sight. Out of annoyance, the bounty hunter clicks her tongue.

“Up ta date intel? That's bullshit Pete!” She kicks the bathroom door, over and over again until her pocket begins to ring and shake. Someone is calling. “Hi.” Her southern drawl is strained as she tries not to grind her teeth when the person on the other end speaks.

“What in fuck do you mean his charges were dropped?”


	17. Percy Presents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank my normal editor and Windmill for helping me out with this chapter.

“Hello Ramsey.” Percy greats, her breath a hair shallower than normal, as she shuts the oak door behind her. Ramsey figures Percy must have had a rough day at work and that's why she came home late. “I am fine with your choice of tonight's course. But before we engorge ourselves, I have something for you.” Percy calmly walks to the kitchen. She's hiding something behind her back. Dozens of ideas flash through Ramsey's mind from divorce papers to eraser cuffs.

Then Percy presents a bubble gum pink envelope. 

“Um, thank you.” A little extra effort is taken not to slip into slang as he grabs the envelope. Ramsey Percy is still hiding behind something her periwinkle shirt but Ramsey ignores that in favor of quickly examining the envelope. _'Fairly stiff, definitely cardstock. Doesn't feel like it has anything extra to it. Probably a Hallmark or something.'_

After turning the envelope around, Ramsey finds it sealed with duct tape. He has absolutely no fucking idea what to make of this so the Rat Man makes a miscellaneous mental note that Percy apparently doesn't like licking envelopes. It's an old habit from his con man days that he has yet to kick.

The card is an ever generic 'Thank You' note covered in purple and pink watercolor flowers with a trite message that Ramsey doesn't even bother to read. Not the same could be said of Percy's scribbles near the bottom since a little smile creeps on his face.

When his eyes look up from the paper, Percy presents him with gaudy green gift bag with blue star tissue paper and yellow ribbons. Somewhere in his pile of things, Ramsey's art degree cries as he places the bag on the counter top and awkwardly unties the ribbon. Percy seems to notice his struggles and holds the bag still for Ramsey as he pulls the ribbon and removes the tissue paper. At the bottom is a tower shaped cupholder, which Ramsey wonders if Percy is projecting or made it herself and that's why she's a little tired, some overpriced paints and cheap brushes.

“Thank you.”

“I am well aware of your gratitude. You demonstrated it with your earlier remark, so why do you parrot yourself?” Blue eyes slightly squint in confusion.

“Cause I really mean it Perce. Anyway, could you help your lovely husband set the table?” Ramsey tries to hold back a shiver, even said half jokingly it's still hard for him to believe that they are married. So he tries to change the subject. “Shoot, the noodles are a bit under cooked. Oh, that reminds me, I found some night classes at a nearby place. Ya interested in taking some cooking lessons together?”

“That sounds charming. Perhaps we can do so after my current construction contract has been completed.” Percy replies as she perfectly folds a set of napkins and places them on the table. A little snort leaves Ramsey's nose after hearing Percy's accidental alliteration as he scoops the lasagna on the dinner plates.


End file.
